Because I'm a man.

[Mike Bailey]

One of my girl friends sent me this,


Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I
will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia
has set in. Calling AAA is not an option.
I will win.
__________________________________________________ _________

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very
well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine
as if I know what I'm looking at.
If another man shows up, one of us will say to the
other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't
know where to start.'

We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind,
as a form of Holy Communion.
__________________________________________________ __________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone
to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and
moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do,
so for you, this is no problem.
__________________________________________________ __________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase
basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread.
I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'tampons', 'curry'
or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.
__________________________________________________ __________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops
working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence
that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair
person gets here and has to put it back together.
__________________________________________________ __________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote
control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has
been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though
one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator
instead (applies to engineers only)
__________________________________________________ __________

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm
thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars,
sex, sports or sex.
I have to make up something else when you ask, so just don't ask.
__________________________________________________ __________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked
the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it,
I didn't .. . . and if you are feeling amorous afterwards,
then I will certainly at least remember the name and
recommend it to others.
__________________________________________________ __________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is
fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago
was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine, with the belt or
without it, looks fine. It does not make your ass look
too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and margaritas
that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just
go now?
__________________________________________________ __________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year
2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the
laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and
the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like wandering
around in the yard with a beer, wondering what to do

[Soquili]

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very
well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine
as if I know what I'm looking at.
If another man shows up, one of us will say to the
other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't
know where to start.'

We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind,
as a form of Holy Communion.

I can relate with that

What did they replace distributors, rotor caps and carborators with anyway?

[steve.ledger]

There's a lot of truth in jest'

You reminded me of something I was sent a little while ago too, which again has rings of truth to it:

Why, Why, Why??

----------------------------------------------------------
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

----------------------------------------------------------

[ankhor]

There's a lot of truth in jest'

You reminded me of something I was sent a little while ago too, which again has rings of truth to it:

Why, Why, Why??

----------------------------------------------------------
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Because that is the time they finally pay some intrest.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Because that takes less time to do, and it annoys the ones who is painting

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Because they should have asked a homeless hobo wino, you can`t
get the bottle out of their hands.

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

They don`t want to be sued for wrongfull death.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

For that you need male hormones, and quess what happens when
you swing from tree to tree and sometimes you miss.

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Now don`t get all cryptonic on me.

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

To stop the bloodflow to their brain, otherwise they wouldn`t do it.

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

Mine, I am mean like that, but keep it a secret.

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

hey, we needed some intelligent representatives.

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

I don`t have a bath, so stop complaining.

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

you are obviously single.

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

See the Ape question

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

Because you are weak? Mine open just fine.

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

To bug you?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

You mean you don`t knock em out immediately?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

God has a sense of humor and it is mostly related to gravity.

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why don`t they switch summer and winter around, problem solved.

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

----------------------------------------------------------

Because we know he has to life with the mother in law?
Life is hard enough for him.

[geminiguy]

Because I'm a man,

I know that if I really mess up the laundry the first time you force me to do it..., and if I keep breaking glasses and dishes while washing them, and if I just completely mess up each and every single thing you try to get me to do, eventually, you will just not even bother asking....

BTW, this is the actual intellect of a very close friend of mine.... and it really works?? Now, when he sees his wife going down to the basement with laundry he'll yell from his chair "I can do that for you honey.." to which she quickly replies... NO!!! I got it, thanks

[RTK]

About men from my Ask Dog ("humor" ) advice collumn:

I have been married for nine years, and since last year my husband refuses to go out shopping with me. It doesn’t matter how much I beg and plead, he won’t have anything to do with it.

I’m sick and tired of having to take all the decisions when it comes to our purchases. How I can I get my husband to come shopping with me?

Instead of forcing your husband to come with you, perhaps you should go out with your girlfriends instead?

The vast majority of men don’t care what colour the towels are… They will be happy as long as they can dry themselves with them. Besides, straight men don’t see colour the same way as women do… There are no shades, or mystery colours such as “Fuchsia” to men — it’s all pink!

You mentioned that he used to come with you until a year ago? Let me guess… He started suffering from nosebleeds and dizzy spells when you took too long to choose which plastic containers, or clothes hangers to buy?

I’m afraid your husband is damaged and beyond any help at this point. But I do have some advice for women who haven’t taken their men over the brink yet:

To avoid permanent damage, act immediately when your husband starts showing signs of loosing his mind, or worse having physical manifestations of stress. Including the ones mentioned above, he might also start suffering from: headaches, mood swings (often aggressive), ticks, cold sweats, heart palpitations, paranoia and shortness of breath.

Depending on the severity of the physical and mental manifestations, here are some time proven remedies that might save your husband:

Find him an empty changing room to have a nap in. A couple of hours of sleep will do him wonders while you make up your mind about pottery, dried flowers, beads, and other non-essentials.

Drop off your husband at a bar where he can have a couple of beers and perhaps watch a football game. This will rejuvenate him, and if you are lucky you might even get a couple of more hours out of him later on.

Take him to the electronics department and let him play with all the gadgets for an hour or so. Better yet, let him buy something that comes with a really thick manual.

- Dog

[Availor]

One of my girl friends sent me this

You lucky bastard!

[geminiguy]

Ah haha I hadn't even noticed that Availor
Yes, Micheal.... and just "how many" do you have??

[GeoBen]

because I am a man, i rather resent these stereotypes.

i know nothing about fixing my car beyond fixing a flat. I call someone. i have been doing my own laundry since i was 7. i cook well and I love shopping for groceries, electronics, books, music... and little else. I do NOT enjoy accompanying someone in 'shopping' (read wandering around looking at lots and lots of stuff, none of which she will purchase and none of which interests me in the slightest).

why is it okay to paint men as morons?

geo.

[steve.ledger]

This isn't a serious discussion about the mental age of the average mature male.
It's just poking fun at irony, stuff in life that makes us laugh. Tongue in cheek
Humour should lift the heart rather than be taken to heart.

I enjoy 'pommie' jokes, even though I am British born. My aussie mates also enjoy 'ocker' jokes.. Personally I can take as much humour, wit and puns as a day hands out - it reminds me to enjoy life..