The situation with Fontman in the "Recycled Patriotic Tutorial" thread in the gallery (here) brings out both the schoolteacher and the student in me. I hate to allow a potential learning moment to slip by unused.
Each time such people as Fontman, or Peter P., or "Ross Jr." (as he has come to be known) has exhibited behaviour in this forum that has offended others, it seems to have brought out the worst in some of those others. For example, the rude terms used by some of these transgressors of the social code frequently inspire the use of equally rude terms by others. The application of verbal violence by one of these social transgressors often is reacted to with equally violent verbiage from others.
In other words, these obviously rather unwelcome guests are really just expressing extreme versions of characteristics that exist within us all, but that we'd rather not admit to having. So we happily locate the problem in these people, and oftentimes exploit the opportunity to unleash some of our own poison. This makes us no better than the seeming transgressors; and it shows that they are no worse than we are (which is true, no matter how they behave).
If we want these people to behave differently, we need to behave differently. Fighting fire with fire leads to a conflagration. What works best is to fight fire with water, or other means of starving the fire of its oxygen, such as ignoring the inappropriate behaviour until it changes or goes away; or identifying it to the transgressor in a more polite and considerate, though firm and direct way, perhaps in a private message. Often, the person is literally blind to how his or her behaviour affects others, and needs to be told in a palatable way that won't cause the person to immediately plant their shield and load their cannon.
In truth it usually seems more effective to cooperate only with appropriate behaviour, rather than wasting time trying to beat inappropriate behaviour into submission. Often, the offending person has a long-lived pattern of blurting out offensive statements, angering people, and being rudely told off. Until some part of the pattern changes, it will go on in the same way ad infinitum. We have the option of changing the "being rudely told off" part of the pattern, and thereby gaining some growth for ourselves from the experience.
In what seems to have been a rather lisping attempt, Fontman appears to me to have been trying to express his concern for the members of the armed forces who are at this moment risking (and losing) their lives overseas. If he is a current member of the armed forces, he is probably feeling this concern for his comrades very keenly right now. He is perhaps especially feeling his own powerlessness as he sits unable to help his mates from this side of the ocean.
I am as guilty as anyone here for not responding to Fontman's anxiety and concern. I was too busy being selfishly scandalized by his social faux pas to recognize what he was trying to say, and to respond empathically to it. Admittedly, I feel that it would have been good -- after trying to help him feel heard and understood -- to ask him to present his concerns in a more socially acceptable manner. Perhaps next time I'll be quicker getting past my blustery and self-satisfied first reactions. In this way, I may or may not be able to help Fontman, or whomever it may be, learn to enjoy the benefits of deeper social participation. At the very least, I will walk away from the interaction knowing that I behaved better than ever before.
I hope my little rant here has not caused offense of any kind. I have felt the desire to say something for quite a while, mainly during the months that I was a lurker here. My hope is that my words will lead at least to some deep thought, and perhaps even to further constructive discussion of the kind that characterizes this forum at its best.
Sincerely,
Glen.
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who think there are two kinds of people in the world, and those who don’t.
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks